Picking up the Pieces

In Fandom, Music on March 30, 2013 by lexie-chan Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

YoonHaeSica no texture

It was one of those rare times where three consecutive schedules cancelled on the same day. Jessica ended up having an unexpected rest day. Instead of going out, she stayed home, all curled up inside her room.

She honestly didn’t think anybody else would be free that day. She was getting lonely by herself so when she heard someone entering the dorm, Jessica immediately jumped out of bed, ready to greet one of her sisters.

She got down her bed quickly and slipped her slippers on. She was on her bed the whole day and wouldn’t want to scare anybody by how horrible she looked so she took a couple of minutes to tidy up her hair into a bun before leaving the room.

Once she was done, she walked towards the door of her bedroom, gearing up to surprise whoever was outside right now. She was just waiting for the right timing before she burst out of the door and unleash the inner prankster that she was.

‘Don’t worry, nobody’s home right now.’

‘So… Yoona finished her schedule early,’ Jessica mumbled controlling her giggles. She opened the door a little bit, trying to see who else among her sisters came home together with her, when a familiar voice floated around the house.

‘Are you sure? Coz man, it’ll be a big trouble if they find me here.’

‘It’s been seven months and you still don’t trust me?’ Yoona grumbled in an exasperated tone, crossing her arms over her chest. ‘I made sure nobody’s home, especially unnie…’

Jessica was so stunned seeing the unexpected scene before her. She felt her heart stop, as it tightened, deeming her powerless to do anything else but overhear the rest of their conversation.

‘I know. I’m sorry,’ Donghae moaned soothingly as she hugged Yoona from behind. There was a sweet smile on her face and Jessica could see that the two were truly happy to be together…

There was a short silence and there was a change in Yoona’s expression. Her eyes looked glum and so was Donghae’s.

‘But we both know this won’t last forever…’

Donghae buried his head on the crook of Yoona’s neck, like how he always did when he’s soothing Jessica’s mood swings.

How Jessica managed to watch this dreadful scene for this long, she wouldn’t be able to comprehend. But she stayed, peering through the crack of the door and continuously berating herself with torture.

‘Yes, we need to tell her eventually.’

Yoona spun around to face him. The two knew that their happiness wasn’t pure. And it was really painful that they had to hide their feelings for one another, not because it was the right thing to do, but because they were desperately trying to mask their tainted heart for committing this heinous sin behind Jessica’s back.

Nobody knew about their relationship but them. Donghae can’t even tell Eunhyuk about Yoona neither did she to her other members. The sworn secrecy of this unacceptable relationship pass between them even without words. They just knew they have to protect it. For their happiness, they need to accept the coupling consequences of this betrayal.

And true enough, Jessica felt betrayed and hurt. She was mad and at the same time distraught by everything she witnessed.

It was unfair.

‘Ah!’ Yoona yelped and for a second, Jessica thought she was found out. ‘There’s my phone!’ Donghae followed the direction of Yoona’s vision and saw the phone on top of the desk near the TV.

Donghae sighed as he pulled his arms from Yoona’s waist. ‘Okay, go get it now before we’re late for the movies.’

‘Yeah, okay let’s go!’

The two left unaware of Jessica, drowning in her own shadows.

After that incident, there was an obvious change in her actions. She became distant and more quiet. Jessica stopped talking to anyone at length and would always find herself retire early to bed with an excuse that she’s always burned out.

Everybody were tired of course. Moving back and forth in Japan and then promoting ‘The Boys’ all around the world. The fact that she was also casted as a supporting actress for Wild Romance made her incredibly busy (which she liked, to help her stop thinking about ominous thoughts).

Still, the way she suddenly changed was alarming. She doesn’t even complain anymore. She just set her distance, away from everybody and anything that could remind her of the painful reality.

It was late in the evening. Tiffany, Taeyeon and Seohyun still haven’t gotten home from their meeting at the agency regarding their sub-group unit to be launched next year. Sunny went home to be with her family and Yuri together with Yoona decided to eat out.

As usual, Jessica, excused herself and collapsed on her bed looking so lifeless. She was consumed by a lot of depressing thoughts that when Hyoyeon and Sooyoung came in unannounced, she couldn’t help but feel trapped by their watchful eyes. Leaving her no other choice, she sat on the edge of the bed but instead of looking directly to their eyes, she focused her vision on the floor.

She rather have this conversation over and done with as quickly as possible. All she gotta do was endure a little bit of their nagging and go back to sleep.

‘Something definitely happened. I don’t know when it started but I’m done watching silently as I see you deteriorate by yourself.’ Sooyoung sounded firm. Her breathing was also harsh and she knew her friend won’t let her off the hook without saying something — anything.

‘Sooyoung, please not today. I’m really tired…’

‘The same old excuse again. All of us are tired Jessica, but you… You’re just wilting away. You can’t expect us to sit silently and watch you die.’

Sooyoung nudged Hyoyeon’s ribs. Her friend groaned from the sudden violence. ‘Die?! What the hell Hyoyeon! Study more vocabulary will you before spewing nonsense..! She’s not dying oh my god.’ Sooyoung scolded her friend through gritted teeth. ‘We can’t comfort her if you say weird stuff like that.’

Hyoyeon just shrugged her shoulders as she rubbed her side, still struggling with the proper words to say in this kind of situation without sounding so unnatural. She’s one of Jessica’s long time friend but her inability to express her feelings (and like Sooyoung said, her lack of vocabulary as well) even until now, was her biggest weakness. That’s mainly the reason why she dragged Sooyoung into this confrontation for it to happen. Lucky for her, Sooyoung was contemplating the same thing and now they both stand before their estranged friend.

‘No really, I’m just tired…’ Jessica repeated a little more forceful this time. She hoped that it would be enough for them to leave her alone.

She at least hoped.

‘Like I said, I know you are tired,’ Hyoyeon answered dryly.

‘But would that pathetic excuse explain the reason why you’re also avoiding Yoona?’

Jessica’s shoulders tensed up. It was something she couldn’t really help but bear so openly to the two friends scrutinizing her. She scolded herself mentally and reminded herself to act normal.

‘I’m not avoiding her. We just don’t see each other as often.’ Her flawed defense was so miserable even to her.

Hyoyeon and Sooyoung remained quiet, waiting for her to just speak the truth but her stubbornness was unimaginable.

‘Then I guess you’re not acting so distant because you found out about Yoona and Donghae oppa,’ Sooyoung finally said.

The way Jessica pursed her lips into a tight line as she sat completely still on her bed was enough to confirm Sooyoung’s suspicions. Whenever something really bothered her friend, her actions would always be the same, as if silence could ever disguise her underlying problems beneath her icy facade. They’ve been friends for so long that little details won’t escape her anymore.

Sooyoung glanced towards Hyoyeon. Both of them, in understanding, walked towards Jessica and sat beside her. The blonde wrapped her arms around her friend’s shoulder. It broke her heart to feel her trembling against her touch and she wondered just how long Jessica have been enduring her problems on her own. It wasn’t the usual trivial stuff that comes her way once in a while. This time, it’s really from something so serious.

‘Hyoyeon and I didn’t know about it until a few days ago to be honest.’

‘And it was through an accident when we saw Donghae oppa drop off Yoona late at night after her Love Rain taping.’

‘It’s not like Yoona could tell us about it anyway…’

‘We were just as surprised,’ Hyoyeon concluded tightening her grip on Jessica’s shoulder.

Their friend remained unmoving though, completely mum from what the two just said. Nothing can be kept a secret forever. She knew how fragile the relationship between Yoona and Donghae was and surprisingly, she was also willing to protect if if it means protecting their happiness.

She shared so many fond memories with both that if she listened closely to what her heart was saying, hating them was impossible from the very beginning. Jessica could never hate them. But she was truly hurt and the pain stabbed her so deep she couldn’t even will herself to move on.

‘We’re sorry…’ Sooyoung’s voice croaked and it took just that one statement for Jessica to break down and cry.

The three hugged each other, crying, for Sooyoung and Hyoyeon understood the crippling sadness that befall on their friend. That tangible pain that broke Jessica’s heart into pieces.

It was about another month or two when Jessica found Yoona by herself at the dining room. Besides the faint light coming from the lamp from the living room, there wasn’t any other source of light to illuminate her figure.

Jessica debated whether to approach her or not but when she accidentally tripped over a floating cord (that Sunny forgot to to clean up when she was charging her phone earlier), she couldn’t really make her escape anymore.

Yoona turned her head towards the direction of the noise and saw Jessica standing awkwardly against the door. Their eyes met and for a long minute, they stood there unmoving.

Jessica didn’t have to think things over. She took a step and found herself beside her friend.

The suffocating silence drowned them and Jessica thought it was the worst time to ever be alone with her fellow member. She cursed herself for choosing this exact moment to go outside her room and get a glass of water. She didn’t expect Yoona to be still awake permitting this unexpected meeting.

‘I should’ve said it a long, long time ago,’ Jessica heard Yoona finally say. Her body felt rigid and her audible heartbeat almost clouding her sense of hearing. She strained to catch the rest of Yoona’s words. She braced herself for this moment but she knew nothing can ever really prepare her for this confrontation.

Jessica only managed to nod her head at her companion to let her know that she’s listening. Yoona saw the subtle acknowledgement at the corner of her eyes and she smiled melancholically before she continued.

‘I’ve always known it was wrong. To walk on that path knowing that I’ll hurt someone so precious.’ Yoona took a deep breath as she closed her eyes. Her lips quivered while she tried so hard to hold everything together before she completely broke down.


‘But I was so happy, so so happy for me to even think about the consequences of my actions back then. How my little happiness will definitely affect my relationship with him… With you…’ her voice trailed off. Jessica could almost feel Yoona’s pain. She wanted to tell her it was alright. That she wasn’t mad anymore. That it didn’t matter as long as she, both of them, are happy. Jessica just want her little sister happy and not mangled by sorrow.  ‘I thought, all that will ever matter was that moment where the both of us are happily in love with each other.’

Jessica took Yoona’s hand and squeezed it tight, hoping that it would give her the assurance that she’s equally happy for them. Which she truly was.

‘Yoona, listen to me. What you should focus on is your happiness. If you’re thinking about me, I’m okay. I really am so please cheer up!’ Jessica’s voice was almost pleading.

The younger girl finally turned her head to look at her.

‘But I wasn’t completely happy,’ she returned quietly. ‘Oppa and I never reached that point. That point where we could let go of the guilt and proudly profess our love for one another.’

Jessica sucked in her breath. She covered her ears and shook her head violently. ‘No Yoona, please. Stop. I don’t want to hear it. I’m fine. Please don’t say anything anymore.’

‘That day, I know we were already found out. It wasn’t my intention for you to know about us in that manner. I would’ve preferred it for you to know directly from us. But we didn’t even know how to tell you until you just found about it yourself.’

Jessica lifted her head and looked at Yoona, suddenly confused. It was now Yoona’s turn to hold both her unnie’s hand. She held them tight, never letting go.

‘When Donghae oppa and I were about to leave the dorm, it was when I noticed your shoes by the door and it struck me so hard that all those time we were inside the dorm, you were also there, witnessing the horrible scene.’ Jessica’s mouth fell open, prepared to explain herself but nothing came out. ‘I even called the other unnies to confirm my suspicions and they only validated what was already so obvious at that time.’ The younger lady breathed heavily. ‘And of course, you would’ve avoided me.’

‘But it’s not because I resented you! Yoona please… I’m not mad. I can’t stay mad at you…’ Jessica said in a rush, frantic about how she could lift up any misunderstanding that rose between them. ‘I’ll say as much as I felt betrayed the moment I found out. Of course I was hurt. But I also came to realize that you would never do something to hurt me on purpose. That when you love, you just do beyond reasons or doubts.’ She was already crying, her shoulders shaking.

They heard a creaking sound and they saw Sooyoung peering through the doors. Unable to bear seeing her friend agonizing with misery, she rushed towards Jessica’s side.


Sooyoung just nodded her head in understanding. Soon after, the other members came out of their rooms one after the other. Hyoyeon slipped in between Yuri and Tiffany to be by Jessica’s side. Seohyun together with Taeyeon and Sunny stood at Yoona’s side. Before anyone could speak another word, everybody started crying.

They cried for a long, long time.

‘I’m so sorry unnie! You know that if I could help it, I would never choose to hurt you in anyway..!’ Yoona sobbed. Yuri hugged her roommate as she continued to cry as well.

It was foolish of Jessica to think that she was the only person affected by everything. While she closed herself into a void, she failed to realize that she ended up hurting her other members as well.

She didn’t know that all these time she was keeping her distance, the other girls have been talking amongst themselves, wondering how they can bring back the old Jessica (despite being violent, snarky and intimidating at times) that they loved.

It wasn’t long after Yoona learned that she was already found out by Jessica, that she revealed her secret relationship to the others one by one. They were very supportive and understanding and she thought, she really can’t always take their kindness so selfishly.

‘Oppa and I talked about it and we decided to just break up before we end up hurting more people.’ Jessica shot Yoona a sharp look, desperately reaching out for her and ask her to hold on to that love. Yoona shook her head. ‘Unnie, it wasn’t meant to be. If we’re truly destined for each other, we’re not supposed to be hurting so much, either. And we hated seeing precious people around us suffer. If we were indeed fated to be together, we would be able to lift our head high and be proud of our relationship,’ she went on, a tear threatening to fall down her cheeks once again. ‘But it didn’t happen.’

Jessica choked, her cheeks stained with tears. Taeyeon rubbed Yoona’s back in comfort. She knew, together with the other members (besides Jessica), that it hasn’t been that long since they broke up. And just like Jessica, Yoona also needed comforting. She’s young but the amount of obstacles she had to overcome being in the limelight haven’t been easy. She has always faced social pressure and even if she persevered she’s still hated for just existing. And as if that wasn’t enough, now she had to carry the guilt of betrayal just for loving Donghae.

Taeyeon was hurting because while all these were happening, her, together with the others couldn’t do anything but wait silently until Jessica and Yoona resolve the problem themselves.

Tonight was an eventful time for all of them.

When everything has been said, at long last, everybody felt the burden lifted up from their shoulders. Everybody started to accept the reality of the situation. Yoona didn’t sacrifice her relationship because she was tired of the guilt dragging her down. She merely saved two more people from unnecessary affliction before it destroyed them. They separated in good spirit and with an open mind.

They were slowly picking up the pieces of their shattered heart.

The younger lady looked at Jessica’s direction and smiled. The atmosphere eventually became calmer and although Sooyoung and Tiffany were still sobbing uncontrollably, everything was better this time.



They knew everything was going to be better. 


– – –


Nothing’s been confirmed for sure but a love line between Jessica, Donghae and YoonA has always been in the air so I kept on wondering how these two ladies able to deal with that uncomfortable situation. Isn’t it so complicated? Being label mates… Being members of the same group… And then dating the same guy? Of course Donghae didn’t date these two women at the same time but still, AWKWARD.

Anyway, this story is actually an excerpt from my other fanfiction, Dangerous Territory, because I wrote a fanfic within a fanfic. I originally wanted a separate YoonHaeSica fic but I got too lazy and just blended two stories in one (you’ll read this portion around chapter 12. goodluck. only 4 chapters are up at this very moment but do check them out still). Oh, the whole YoonHaeSica story is relevant to Dangerous Territory plot lines so it worked in the end. Just a really long ass chapter. You don’t even know.

Also wrote this fic as a result of my YoonSic feels lately. These two are always together and they are so adorable! This ship is sailing steadily.

Imma draw a timeline that’s mixed with facts and fictional event to better understand the flow of this story. I’m nice like that. HAHA!

2005-2007 [fact/fiction] When Jessica and Donghae dated. (I did read a lot of accounts that both parties mentioned separately that they dated someone for about 2 years in the past. The timeline was before SNSD debuted. There were also a few HaeSica couple pictures around that time, flaring such rumor. It wasn’t so hard for the netizen to piece things out together. Basically, I used that to conjure this story because as you’ve noticed, I love mixing in true facts from fiction).

August 2007[fact] SNSD debut.

March-April 2011[fiction] YoonA and Donghae supposedly started dating.

September 2011[fact] Love Rain began filming.

October 2011 [fact] The Boys album was released. [fiction] Jessica learned about YoonA and Donghae.

November 2011[fact/fiction] Besides promoting for the boys, SNSD was also busy filming for their JTBC variety show entitled SNSD and the Dangerous Boys. SNSD were truly busy during the latter part of 2011 with numerous variety show programs and drama shoots. This is the reason behind the constant “I am tired” excuse from Jessica.

December 2011[fact] Jessica was casted as a supporting actress for Wild Romance.

January 2012 [fiction] Jessica, Hyoyeon and Sooyoung confrontation.

February 2012 [fiction] YoonA and Jessica confrontation.


Useless tidbits:

  • Jessica, Hyoyeon and Sooyoung were the longest SNSD trainees. Jessica even shared a room with Hyoyeon before (Jessica and Sooyoung are the current roommates) that’s why it was logical I use their relationship and history for the first confrontation part.
  • Jessica is a resident lazy girl so don’t be surprised that the setting was always at their dorm.
  • Hyoyeon does have a problem with her vocabulary and she has frequent tongue ties. She’s also someone who has a hard time expressing herself.
  • The part where Taeyeon, Tiffany and Seohyun went to the agency for a meeting was of course factual (just a bit questionable with the timing in this story). It’s around April when SM finally announced TaeTiSeo’s sub-group. I really wanted to hint on that in the story
  • YoonYul eating out coz these two are roommates and certified BFFs.
  • During Haha Mong Show’s meaningful gossiping segment entitled ‘Confide in your Mom‘, Taeyeon was complaining about the floating cord Sunnny leaves after she charges her phone. Taeyeon always trips over it. In this story, I kinda used the same scenario when I started the Jessica-Yoona confrontation.
  • And with all the YoonSic feels, how can I not write a fic about them?! Tell me!!! LOL!

Gawd, can you just see how emotionally attached I am with these girls? Dammit.

story and art (c) lexie-chan || eyes2blues

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