Articles

Failure

In Fandom, Music on April 4, 2014 by lexie-chan Tagged: , , , , , ,

failure

 

It was the one word he hated the most. So detestable that he wanted to erase it in every dictionary ever made. To the point that the mere mention of it ignites a fire that cripples him within.

This word that should have never existed. Ironically, the word that best describes his own being.

 

 

Failure.

 

 

In all those years he lived, Yunho has been sorry for a lot of thing. Of some, was brought by inevitable circumstances and of some, willingly made, regardless of his own twisted reasonings or doubts.

He wondered when it all started but it happened again and again. Now, he’s full of remorse and unbearable regret.

He wouldn’t try and enumerate all those times he had failed her but there were a few incidents that had definitely made an impact and up until now, is still stuck in his head.

Forever regretting.

He was sorry he couldn’t wish her the most sincere goodluck as she ventured into America. That year when she needed all the good luck from her bestfriend but then instead, he focused all his attention and energy into their group’s own promotion, totally being selfish for a cause that would have to shatter him eventually the following year.

If only he had known that all of his effort to bring their group to the top would be wasted and reduced to nothing after everything they’ve sacrificed, he could’ve instead cheered her on. Lighten the burden on her shoulder and make her feel that he will always be there. But he… But then he failed all that.

Because instead of thinking about her, he had placed himself first before anything else.

Unlike her.

 

 

There was also this time when he couldn’t attend her first Korean concert.

Her first Korean concert.

For 13 years, it was an event that was finally happening that gave her an opportunity to be closer to her fans in Korea. She was so excited to the point that even before the event was officially announced, she had called him immediately to tell him the good news.

At the time, he was in a meeting with his manager about arranging his schedule the following year in January. It was the year end and he was very busy. A call, even if it’s from her, was something he would call an unwelcome distraction.

He remembered how stiff his voice was as he answered her call. How the seeping disinterest colored his voice. How right after he answered, it was followed by a cold pause.

She didn’t even try to say what she wanted to tell him. All she managed was to tell him that something awesome was happening in January and then hanged up abruptly.

It was later that day when he heard Jaewon in passing how he would be busy preparing for her concert.

‘What concert?’

Jaewon looked at him quizzically for a long minute. ‘Didn’t she call you to tell you about that already?’

He was stricken by an overwhelming disgust upon himself. If only he had controlled himself and didn’t give in to pressure. If only he had listened, then everything would’ve ended differently.

But now, his schedule was already set for January and that included a musical play he’ll be attending on the day of the concert itself. The worst part was, he wouldn’t have confirmed it if only he had listened to her first. Or more accurately, if he didn’t show his disinterest as he answered her call, she wouldn’t stop herself and tell him everything. But it was too late.

On that important day where he could’ve shared it with her never happened. Because he failed her.

 

 

And then yesterday happened. It was late at night but she stayed at the office, just waiting for him to finish his practice.

It was a cold night and she was standing at the empty hallways by herself. She had her hands inside her pockets as she rocked herself against the wall, humming.

‘You’ve been waiting?’

She gave a weak smile and tilted her head slightly in acknowledgement. He let out a deep sigh as he adjusted his hat. Looking as if he was burdened by her presence.

‘Did you need anything?’

She bit her lip nervously and lowered her gaze. Suddenly conflicted if she should answer him honestly or tell him what he wanted to hear.

She closed her eyes in preparation. Clearing her head and calming her heart. As she opened them, she turned to look at him in the eyes.

‘I was wondering… I was wondering if you could escort me at my movie’s red carpet event tomorrow in LA.’ She held her breath and watched him. She was aware that he’s schedule would be free for a couple of days since their promotion ended and that she had actually asked their Chairman if he would allow this and that they actually said yes, eliminating any probable obstacles their way.

Yet, she didn’t say any of that and just kept on staring at him. He looked conflicted as he furrowed his brows and tensed his shoulders.

‘Okay, you don’t even need to escort me! You can just fly with me and stay with me in LA. Treat it as a surprise vacation or something…’ She quickly added, hoping that he would say yes. She just needed someone familiar… Someone close to her to keep her feelings at ease… She didn’t even care if she had to beg for his time. So desperately.

But then she saw the hardened look on his face. It clearly showed how much he wanted out of it because of his dwindling confidence whenever facing international fans in the US. He wasn’t the best person, really. He can barely carry a decent conversation in English. And he knew how people would throw questions at him and with him completely embarrassing himself in return.

He didn’t want it. To look so pitiful in front of her when she could care less to any of it.

‘I–‘

She made a step back and smiled. A smile that never reached her eyes. ‘I need to go. I need to take a rest for a long trip tomorrow.’

She left before he could even say anything. And in that sense, he had failed her again.

 

 

It’s been more than a week since she got back from LA. He’s been meaning to talk to her a few times as soon as she got back, bothered by the talk they had the last time, but an opportunity to do so wasn’t ever on his side.

It was agonizing. And Changmin wasn’t helping the situation either until one day, he decided to confront him.

‘What did I ever do to you that you keep on ignoring me?’ He demanded at dinner.

The younger man dropped the glass of water he was holding and held his gaze from across the table. ‘I don’t have the time and energy to associate myself with someone like you.’

The older man widen his eyes in surprise. ‘What are you–‘

‘Not with someone who would rather choose himself selfishly instead of helping a friend out. Because you, hyung, failed her. And I honestly don’t know if you can ever save your friendship with her after this.’

‘But you know I’m not the best person to accompany her! I barely came out of the film! And how am I even suppose to face all those foreign people?! Why me?! It could be anyone else really,’ he spat heatedly.

The younger man just leaned back on his seat and sat very still. ‘It can’t be anybody else. It has to be you. Only you. Don’t you get it? She chose you…’

He was rendered silent by this. And then something snapped. He stood up from the table and dashed for the door.

He was the most despicable man ever. How he managed to ignore her every time she had needed him by her side. He felt awful that he wanted to vomit.

After a long drive, he was now in front of her house, out of breath for some reason. It was as if something was crushing his chest. It was difficult for him to breathe and he kept on gasping for air. Finally managing to compose himself, he rang the doorbell and waited for her to emerge from the shadows.

It didn’t take long when she did. She stood by the door in silence and looked at him gravely.

Her hair was falling freely on her back and her jacket was draped on her shoulders. Her face looked sullen though but she tried her best to smile for him.

‘Did you need anything?’ She asked with a tired voice as she crossed her arms over her chest.

‘I’m sorry.’ He waited a long time to hear her voice but she said nothing. ‘BoA, I’m so, so sorry…’

‘You know that it wouldn’t be the same for the both of us anymore, right?’ She breathed.

‘BoA, please… I’m sorry… I’m really sorry for always failing you. Give me a chance to prove that our friendship is very important to me… You are important to me. Please… Allow me to make it up to you…’

BoA had a sad smile on her face. She leaned towards him and held his hands.

‘I wanted to give you every chance before I push you away. But Yunho…’ She paused and took a deep breath. ‘I’ve already exhausted every chance I could give you. As much as I want you to stay in my life… As much as I want us to stay together beyond the boundaries of friendship… I know that in the end, that you will only disappoint me. And I don’t want it to come to the point that I’ll begin to resent you so…’

Before she could say anynore, Yunho pulled her and enveloped her in an embrace. ‘Please… Please don’t say it… Don’t say those words!’

BoA closed her eyes and slid her hands in between them. She pulled away and looked at his eyes.

I’m finally letting you go.

And with that, BoA turned away and never looked back. It was the hardest decision she had ever made in her life but she knew that it was the right thing to do. To stop him from continuously blaming himself whenever he fails her.

That in her final act of selfishness, she was giving him, his freedom.

Even if…

 

 

Even if it meant an eternal sadness for the both of them.

The end… that was worst than death itself.

 

END.

 

– – –

 

Why an angsty fic all of a sudden?! Ugh… It hurts to write this but I’m quite pleased. HAHA! As usual, it is an idea that suddenly hit me one random night. And I wasn’t even depressed or sad that time. I was actually incredibly happy because of all these gorgeous BoA pictures were being released one after another. LOL!

In any case, together with the “Failure” theme, I was finally able to use this prompt as well:

tumblr_mo36j8kHH61r4d8ljo1_500

 

Oh well, towel. Hope you like it!

image and story (c) lexie-chan || eyes2blues

– – –

100 Themes Challenge Writing Prompts: Failure

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