Articles

Why Can’t It Be Any Easier?

In Everyday, Life, Personal on July 27, 2016 by lexie-chan Tagged: ,

When I was a kid, I guess everybody in my family found me strange because I liked books and animé over fashion and ‘girly‘ stuff. 

Growing up, I’ve always been told to act a certain way (more so from relatives than parents). About dressing up, to the way I handle my lifestyle, my manner of talking, even the most trivial thing about myself, they seem to want to point out to me and change. 

Thanks to those unsolicited advices, I started feeling insecure when I shouldn’t. 

Unfortunately, because I’m alao stubborn, a person who refuses to change for them and all the while lowkey feeling insecure about everything, I began to harden myself. 

To be aloof. 

Private. 

This enduring trait from my young age, although useful in some rare instances, have hindered me to be expressive. 

I have so much love and array of emotions to show but couldn’t. I wanted to express myself more openly, especially to my family, but there’s always something stopping me. 

I mean for example, early today, the last moment I saw my sister before she left for SG, I couldn’t even tell her a proper goodbye. We had an awkward hug before I drove to work and as soon as I couldn’t see her in my rear view mirror (it wasn’t even a full minute after), I just about lost it and started crying because I know just how much I’m going to miss her and how sorry I am for her because she was the only one separate from our family. I know just how incredibly sad it is to be just by herself and I have so much feelings about this but I could  never quite find the courage to show it and it’s just really pathetic, you know?

This was so similar back in 2012 when my brother left for the US because I know how difficult it will be for him to start again and I wanted to tell him to persevere and hang on but couldn’t so instead, we left him at the airport with an awkward goodbye and on the way, when my sister was driving and my mom at the back, I just started to bawl like a fucking idiot. 

I get so emotional inside especially when it comes to my immediate family but in the outside, I seem so uncaring because I don’t feel comfortable expressing myself, always scowling, and it really makes me mad! It’s so hard for me to put everything in words… And sometimes, they need to hear words for them to know that you care.

Words of love is so powerful that it needs to be spoken as much as you still can. 

Ugh. 

So I spent the morning crying going to work because I’m so sad that my sister’s not here anymore and then when I thought I’m okay, that freaking idiot will leave me something sneaky such as a note on my ipad and I just–


I just started crying and missing her again and the worst part is, she never even knew that in words from my own mouth :c

(To much ramblings and redundancies. I don’t even make sense anymore. I’m just a wreck.)

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