It’s So Hard.

In Life, Personal on March 8, 2022 by lexie-chan Tagged: , , , ,

I hate myself. I have all these stupid and sad feelings inside of me that I can’t just shed off. And it’s the same ‘me’ problem that I’be been having lately and it’s getting harder for me to recognize this person that I am becoming.

I always prided myself for being nonchalant and stoic and and unemotional and now, I get triggered out of nothing! Like last Sunday, I went downstairs to use R’s computer. I don’t really go there because that’s where his dad go to watch his show so last Sunday was out of the ordinary. When I went down there, I saw that the fruit basket I told R today was there. Idk if he just didn’t have time to donate it yet or whatever but it really put me in a bad mood. And the. Seeing all those boxes and boxes of his parents stuff. I really dislike having all their old stuff strewn away as if they’ll ever have any use for them! And duplicates and just all sort of stupid shit everywhere. I mean, they are ‘organized’ in a sense but there’s just too many of them and it really annoys me! And if I tell R about it, he can’t really do anything and kinda expects me to just be okay with it. And heck, I want to be okay with it. To not care about it. Life would be so much easier. But it isn’t. And it’s driving me insane!!! I feel so helpless and trapped! And I hate myself even more because of course, I have no real outlet and I end up lashing out at R. Either I drop these micro aggressions or become so cold towards him and I know he wanted to help but he’s equally helpless because he needs to dance around me and his parents and the situation is just so terrible.

I just want it to end. Please let this feeling end. I just end up hurting everybody and my ghad, I don’t want to affect the baby either…

Make it stop! Make it stop! Make it stop!!!!!!!

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